Testing Tips
Tips for testing…
- Get out of bed
- Yes. You have to.
- Coffee
- More coffee
- Deep breaths
- SERIOUS prayer time
- Wear your lucky shirt and socks and underwear
- Hold your head up high
- Look confident
- Hope that you pull it off
- Don’t let them see you sweat
- Prepare for the test
- Give blood, and your first born child to receive your testing materials
- Quiz your students while they are in line for the bathroom
- Don’t forget to take your testing materials to the bathroom with you
- They do not like being left alone
- Remember if you leave them alone you will lose your job
- Settle kids down
- Resist the urge to pull out last minute flashcards
- Begin bribery
- Promise them candy
- Promise them extra recess
- Promise them fun
- Beg
- Plead
- Wring your hands
- Give inspiring speech
- Set the timer
- More SERIOUS prayer time (silently of course)
- More deep breaths
- Sit still and do absolutely nothing
- For 2 hours
- Really
- No computer, no papers to grade, no books to read
- Count the little black holes in the ceiling tiles
- Twirl your hair (while you still have some)
- Plan your family reunion (in your head)
- Plan a vacation to an exotic tropical location (in your head)
- Make a grocery list (in your head)
- Have some SERIOUS prayer time (in your head)
- Try to keep your coffee-filled body still
- No fidgeting
- No wiggling
- No tapping…feet or pencils
- Circulate the room to monitor (and to work off coffee jitters)
- But under no circumstances EVER look at the test
- Never. Ever. Look.
- Your eyes will burn out of your head
- Your job will be in jeopardy
- You will be cursed forever
- It’s not worth it
- Do not cry when the first kid finishes in 5 minutes
- Do not break down when the next 6 finish in 10
- Do not worry
- All will be well…with your soul
- Do not beat your head on the desk when some of them raise their hands and ask you what multiplication is
- And under no circumstances answer them
- Do not allow the snoring of the first 7 kids that finish to disturb those who actually are trying
- Give a trashcan to any kid who thinks they are going to throw up
- Watch your timer closely
- Stop students when it goes off
- Try not to cheer out loud that day 1 is over
- More deep breathing
- SERIOUS prayer over testing materials before turning them in
- Practice for following day…all afternoon…ad nauseam
- Repeat all these steps
- Plus don’t forget to wash all your lucky clothing for the next day
- For five days
- Celebrate big when it is all over
- Remember you love children
- Remember you love teaching
- Say these things over and over again
- “I love children. I love children. I love children.”
- “I love teaching. I love teaching. I love teaching.”
- Hold your breath for 10 days until scores come back
- Ten days of SERIOUS prayer
- Remember that no matter what happens…
- You make a difference
- Far more than knowledge
- You impart confidence
- You impart wisdom
- You impart determination
- You impart belief
- You impart hope
- You impart courage to try
- You impart creativity
- You impart perseverance
- You impart the ability to THINK
- Never forget that
- A test cannot measure that